Monday, July 14, 2014

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Dear Future Me:

Today is the first day of the year 2013. If things have gone well, you are reading this on your 40th birthday and a year and a half (or so) has passed.

In summation: you've been out of work for all intents and purposes since April 1, 2012. Your EI claim runs out in three months. You've just launched a website that boasted 129 unique hits in December, and you're wondering if it was worth all the fuss and money to put together posts that only 12 people read.

You have no idea what the future holds, but you've got an email out to a woman who wants to fire her assistant, and you know that Craigslist will start to pick up as soon as tomorrow, and as late as next week. Your career counsellor quit, and applying for a job she recommended you for didn't even get you an interview, so maybe that career counsellor isn't worth the time or effort when they assign you a new one sometime this month.

This new year finds me at the cross-roads. I don't know what to do, all I know is that I need a job. I need money because Joe quit school and thought he would find a job in just days, but it's now been two months, close to three. He has a bunch of applications out there, but they went out so late in the year it might be next week before he hears anything at all...

I don't know what I really want to tell you. What I really want to know is that shit worked out. I want to know if we made it Windsor in April of 2013, or if we had to wait until later in the year, or if we had to do something completely different...

I don't feel well. I have a wee bit of a cold, I haven't been out for regular exercise in months, and I've been off Copaxone for almost a year. I have regular headaches. I have regular bouts of insomnia, but lately I've been doing okay with getting up at 7:30 AM. That means I'm usually asleep by midnight or so. I'm usually in bed by 11 PM.

I've been packing my days full of stuff to do, most of which I don't get to because I am tired, bored, don't want to disturb Joe, or just don't fucking feel like it. I am so tired of not having anything to do so I make work for myself. I also fill my list with things I think I "should" be doing. I hope I've stopped this, or started finding some of those things useful.

I am fascinated by the future, because the present is just so bleak. For all the drudgery of the day today around here, Joe and I are doing okay...

I really don't know what else I can say to you. Life really isn't fun right now, and I hope that by the time you read this on July 13, 2014 things will be better, more secure, and more fun.

Or more - something...

I look forward to this year because looking back only makes me want to slash my wrists. I'm looking forward because the only way to go. I'm looking forward because I am sure that Future Me hasn't let me down, and life is different where Future Me is.


Past Me

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

MS can suck my ass.

I'm really trying to think less violently. The past five days make that difficult.

Dateline: Friday, July 4 8:30AM

Wake up with massive amounts of shooting nerve pain in my right foot and in my right cheek.
Soldier on.

Do some work. View a little social media. Try to make some plans for the next week.

Dateline: Friday, July 4 2:30PM

Shooting pains are now in my calf, thigh, and right bicep. Every movement causes more. 

Tell spousal unit that I might be having an MS attack. The weather is fair, clear, and not hot or humid, so I freak. It's super painful. We have some lunch and head for the ER.

Dateline: Friday, July 4 9:00PM

Released from ER with a referral to a local neurologist, some drugs that are reportedly good for nerve pain, and a recommendation to lay off refined sugar and processed flour products because they both are bad on the nerves.

Find out from pharmacist that the drug is also a anti-psychotic mood stabilizer and anti-seizure medication. Have mild mental freak out.

Get home, eat fruit, take medicine, pass out within 30 minutes.

Dateline: Saturday, July 5 10:30 AM

Wake up after 11 hours sleep. Pain is still in my face and foot, but it's gone in my leg and arm. Notice that the drug bottle says to take twice a day. At 11AM I take the second dose.

Dateline: Saturday, July 5 12:05 PM

Pass out with laptop still on my lap.

Dateline: Saturday, July 5 7:30 PM

Wake up, have dinner. Do some work. Have a shower. At 10:30 PM take third dose of medicine, because it says twice a day.

Dateline: Sunday, July 6 10:30 AM

Wake up. Eat food. Try to do some work. Fail.
Lay down for nap at noon.

Dateline: Sunday, July 6 4:00 PM

Wake up from nap. Spousal unit asks if I have taken any medication that day. Respond in the negative. Fall asleep playing Pocket Mine on my phone.

Dateline: Tuesday, July 8 10:00 AM

Wake up to a pain-free body. Think that it is Monday. Text a colleague that I won't be into my public office that day when I find out its Tuesday. Spend day trying to stay awake and remember what happened yesterday. Go to bed at midnight.

Dateline: Wednesday, July 9 6:37 PM

Write a blog post about how fucked up my past few days have been and try not to rage against the bullshit that is the treatment of nerve pain.

I believe that my experience was caused by a combination of not having refined sugar (and the associated regular intervals of caffeine) and taking that drug. If this is the best they've got for nerve pain, then I'm going to have to reconsider living.

Today was better. No pain, just a little bit of fatigue, but I also had 2 cups of coffee with organic cane sugar in it, so I think that was the difference maker.

Goals for tomorrow:
  1. To get dressed.
  2. To leave house.
  3. To work on the backlog of stuff I didn't get done on Saturday through Tuesday.

MS can suck my ass.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014



Now, a moment of silence for the recently traded and those signed by Florida, Calgary, Buffalo, and Edmonton.

There is no hockey until October. I haz sad.

This 30+C heat and humidity is REALLY starting to piss me off. Spousal Unit took some time last evening to install the AC unit in the hole in the wall provided for such things. That has cooled down the living room, my office and the kitchen, but the bedroom and bathroom are still saunas.

Spousal Unit and I also have an ongoing debate on what temp our (US made) AC unit should be set to.

I say between 72-74F. He says between 65-70F.
He is wrong.

My birthday is in 12 days. I don't think I have enough booze in the house to forget that.

Though this milestone birthday year is going SO MUCH better than the last milestone birthday year.

Next two weeks are going to be full of introspection, writing, thinking, thinking about writing, writing about thinking, and trying to figure out where all of this is going. Deciding on where I want to be in a year. In 1 to 2 years. In 5 years. When and how I want to die.

You know, birthday-related panic and angst. Big whup.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I'm really bad at this.

Finding the balance between Routine and Excitement is what drives me absolutely nuts.

The heat and humidity make me very fucking cranky.

Nothing is going like I planned. That isn't contributing to my sunny disposition either.

I have a pending friend request on Facebook but I'm really afraid that I've forgotten that we had sex at some point in my ancient history and there will be hurt feelings like there was the last time I accepted a friend request from someone I had sex with in high school and didn't remember.

But I'm pretty sure that I didn't have sex with this person. Like 95-99% sure that I didn't.

Listen, if you're reading this and we had sex just once at some point between 1988 and 1999, I probably don't remember. If we had sex more than once, then yeah, I probably do remember that it happened. If I ever told you I loved you, then yes, I couldn't forget if I wanted to, but I don't remember specifics.

(Yes, specifics have come up. Yes, feelings were hurt when I didn't remember. What you people expect from a 40 year old brain that endured a history of substance abuse and demyelination, I have no fucking idea.)

I used to love summer. I can't be the only person with MS who now just fucking loathes the season?

I really hate summer. It's not even July yet and all I want is spring to just hurry up and get here. Give me 15 degrees and overcast! That's my happy place!

Monday, June 16, 2014


Someone is going to get a nastily worded letter if I don't soon find three steady clients.

Multiple expletives AND some bonus blasphemy. I promise.

I'm kind of phoning this one in because I have other stuff I should be doing. Like showering, and figuring out what I'm going to do tomorrow, and getting stuff done tonight that makes tomorrow morning easier.

I generally love being a grown up, but trying to maintain a basic level of competence is exhausting.

It's 10:39 PM and its starting to feel like I woke up for no reason at 7 AM. Which is what I did, because brain and because someone told me that drinking a half liter of water before bed was a great thing to do because it acts like "an internal, bodily alarm clock". Which would have been great if that alarm hadn't gone off 2 hours after I went to bed, and then I never really got back to sleep after that.

You know what convinced me that evolution was real? The human body is totally fucking inefficient.

Intelligent design would have created us without the need to expel waste. I'm convinced of this.

Stupid bladder.